Many years ago, after winning a role in a theatre production, I would often arrive at the first rehearsal thinking, “What will I do if they find out I don’t know how to do this?” (Goodness knows how I managed to land a part at all, with that attitude!) Gradually the fear would subside as rehearsals progressed, and I re-discovered that I did, indeed, know how to sing and act. But the cycle frequently started with enormous self-doubt. As the old advertisement said, “You’ve come a long way, Baby!” What I’ve learned over that long way is that self-doubt and self-criticism are simply not practical.
For shock factor, I start my “SPEAK UP!” Workshop saying, “To be a good speaker, you have to be in love.” I’m not kidding. Speaking in public is a performance. In any performance, you need the same kind of energy (passion, excitement, warmth, desire, acceptance) that you have when you’re in love.
“Love” is shorthand for the emotional connection you want to make with your audience. As the speaker, you are the spark to initiate that interchange of positive energy, but the starting point happens long before the first word is spoken. It happens in your attitude toward yourself. In my view, you are the first one to whom love should be directed.
When I told someone recently that I view self-acceptance as a priority for good speaking, he immediately accused me of complacency. It’s a common confusion, but the two are not the same at all. Good teachers know that a critical attitude toward a student is inefficient. Criticism feels like a threat. It makes the recipient nervous and tense. It erodes self-confidence. What do we do when we want to inspire someone to give their best performance? We accept them as they are and encourage them. Excellence flowers in a nurturing atmosphere, not one of doubt and demand. We are usually quick to encourage others. Why do we find it so hard to be equally supportive of ourselves?
Of course we review what we’ve done to see how we can improve. Self-criticism, however, is the least efficient way to do it. It just makes us feel defensive, even when the criticism comes from within. An atmosphere of acceptance allows us to relax. When you’re relaxed, your “juices” flow and you think more clearly. The efficient way to improve your performance is to value yourself for having done your best, and look eagerly ahead to greater expertise. A loving attitude toward yourself is like sunshine and rain for a plant – it won’t grow without those conditions, and neither will you!
I think what is called “stage fright” is largely based in feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. Whether your audience is one person or many, your top priority is to believe in yourself and in your own quality. How can you ask anyone else to believe in you, if you don’t believe in yourself? When you are speaking, you are developing a relationship with the members of the audience. You are inviting them to be your friends. What kind of friend are you offering to be? Your listeners need you to be someone in whom they can put their confidence, someone with whom they can relax. They can do that if you speak from a place of self-assurance – assurance simply that you are a valuable, worthy human being, regardless of your expertise as a speaker. And it has to be genuine. If you think you can fake it, I submit that you can pull that off only if you are a consummate actor, and even then it won’t feel right. Audiences aren’t stupid. They can sense the difference between self-value and self-doubt. If you want them to feel confidence in you, you have to present them with the genuine article – confidence in your own quality as a person.
Positive self-talk is imperative. Know that your worthiness, your quality is inherent. You are valuable simply because you’re alive. Your expertise will improve. Focus on your strengths. Your weaknesses will fade away. Value, encourage and nurture yourself as someone worth knowing and worthy of speaking. Loving yourself isn’t self-indulgent, it’s practical. Mind you, self-value doesn’t mean you don’t feel butterflies. Ah, but that’s the subject of another article.
Heather Stubbs
[...] your mental and emotional perspective, haven’t you? You have been using positive self-talk to love yourself, love your audience and focus on giving, not on the [...]